Things I want my kids to know

I got this question from someone on Instagram, and reading it made me feel quite sad.

I think it’s fair to say that we all have things about ourselves that we don’t like sometimes, or wish were different. However, the feeling of not liking things about yourself and also not feeling like you can do anything about it can be a really difficult place to be. It’s also really unfair.

When you look at yourself and you see “flaws” that make you feel bad about yourself, it makes sense that the first place your mind might go to is: if I fix those things, then I will feel better about myself.

But what if you don’t feel bad about yourself because of the “flaws.” What if you feel bad because of the way you perceive yourself?

Let’s take the example of looks. You might look at yourself and have thoughts like this:

Lazy. Disgusting. Get a grip. You should be ashamed of yourself. Other people can sort themselves out, so why not you?

You might zoom in on the bits of yourself that you really don’t like, or you might find it hard to look in the mirror at all because you find it so repellent that you flinch away.

Let’s compare this to how you might look at others.

How many people in your life are so physically repellent that when you look at them you flinch away? How often do you zoom in on the physical flaws of your friends and family, to the degree that you feel disgust or dislike?

My guess is that you don’t do that with other people to anywhere near the same degree with which you do it to yourself.

Now, this isn’t about highlighting another thing to feel guilty about. This doesn’t happen through choice, it happens automatically. If you judge yourself more harshly than you judge others, then it is likely this happens because you have been given messages, directly or indirectly, that there is something to be ashamed of. The point here is not to judge yourself for the fact that you judge yourself. All of us do this to a greater or lesser extent. It is simply to highlight that the only way to tell whether you are being harsh with yourself or is to compare how you treat yourself to how you treat others.

What happens when we work on acceptance, kindness and compassion

Maybe you don’t need to change anything at all

If you do see yourself in a more negative light than other people, then your decision making will be affected by this. What if actually, you don’t need to change at all?

If someone else had the same body as you, would you tell them they need to change? Or would you tell them that they are lovely as they are?

Maybe changing yourself isn’t the answer to the question of how to feel better about yourself. Maybe the answer is changing how you see and treat yourself.

Not being able to see progress

If you have an automatically negative and harsh view of yourself, then actually it doesn’t really matter what changes you make, you might always see the “flaws” more intensely than you would for anyone else, and no matter how much you change, you might always feel that it isn’t enough. This is an endless spiral that you can become lost in.

Deeply demotivating

Sometimes people feel reluctant to let go of the harsh view they have of themselves, because they perceive the criticism and hatred as motivating. You might feel that this is the way to get yourself to finally get up and do something, but actually it doesn’t really work like that.

Motivation driven by hatred and fear is hollow. You might get yourself to do a gruelling gym session but you might not feel good about it because you might not be able to give yourself any credit. Instead of “Well done, that was a tough thing to do.” It might be “What do you want, a medal? One exercise class, big whoop. Don’t be so pathetic.”

You might also specifically choose things that are punishing. A 5AM bootcamp that you hate and is too intense for your current levels, for example. Then you either struggle to get yourself to go (because, you know, why would you want to) or you do go and are filled with self-loathing when you find it too hard or can’t keep up with others.

If you were speaking to yourself and advising yourself from a place of kindness, love and encouragement, you might make completely different choices. Maybe instead of only choosing gruelling classes that burn the most possible calories, you might instead choose things that you are actually interested in. Dance, swimming, adult gymnastics. Whatever floats your boat. You might allow yourself to be a beginner, too. You might allow yourself to do ten minutes of something that you actually enjoy, but have to stop because you run out of breath. Maybe you might be able to give yourself the same encouragement and credit that you would give anyone else who had done that:

“Well done! That’s a great start. It takes a lot to get going on something that makes you uncomfortable. Good for you.”

When there is something you don’t like about yourself, the first port of call is beginning with being kind and accepting of yourself, of practicing talking to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love.

Sometimes that will mean you decide not to change anything at all. Sometimes it will mean that you do make changes, but they are changes that might actually mean something to you, and you might be able to give yourself the credit you deserve.

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Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. A good book on this subject is "The compassionate mind" by Paul Gilbert.