Things I want my kids to know

When we keep hoping that someone will be different this time, despite the fact that they have consistently shown us how they are going to be, that can be hard. Christmas is a good example, I reckon: perhaps a relative who always seems to be critical or unhappy.

When we go into a situation like that hoping that it will be different this time, we often find ourselves thinking about things we could do to ensure that this time they will be better. Maybe if we anticipate all the things they could be critical of, then they won’t comment, moan or look disappointed. Maybe if we make it clear how hard we have worked or how much thought we put into things, then they will go easy and not do what they usually do. Maybe if we can choose films and board games that they like, they won’t have anything to grumble about.

When we take this kind of approach, we end up putting ourselves in a position where we are taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings and behaviour. While wanting people to be happy is a nice thing, the thing is: the person who has the most control over their behaviour is the person themselves, so we are trying to control something that just isn’t in our power to control. Like arranging an outdoor activity and then feeling responsible and guilty for the fact that it’s raining: it was never in your power to control in the first place.

When you can accept that a person is who they are, that doesn’t mean you have to accept their behaviour in terms of taking whatever they throw at you. It means accepting that it isn’t in your control. They are in charge of their own behaviour, and you are in charge of yours.

Instead of worrying about what you can do to avoid criticism and working extra hard to anticipate every possible issue, maybe you can accept that this person is going to be critical, regardless of what you do. Maybe you take the pressure off what you are doing and instead, focus on how you want to respond to the criticism when it comes. Maybe you can stop trying to find the perfect board game for them and instead, you can choose one and say that they can join in if they want to, understanding that their response to that is their choice, not yours.

The other aspect is that when we don’t accept things as they are, we end up setting ourselves up for disappointment. When we go in with some hope that things will be different this time, the crash back down to Earth can be a painful one. If instead you can accept that this person is going to be how they always are, then maybe it’s not so much of a surprise when they say or do something critical or miserable. Maybe you can even tick it off on a little mental (or physical) bingo card. Maybe you can hear it without having to do anything about it. Maybe all that time and energy you might have devoted to keeping them happy, you can devote to other people, or to yourself.

Maybe that might make things a little easier.

---

Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. Sometimes letting go of the hope that someone will change can be hard, because it is a sad prospect to consider. That can be part of what keeps us clinging on. You don’t have to discount the hope, you just have to recognise that it’s not in your hands. It never was.