Things I want my kids to know

There are numerous reasons why we might feel panicky, but a big one is when we feel trapped.

Sometimes this is literally physically trapped. If you are in a lift, it is summer time and it is warm in there, and the lift gets stuck and the doors won’t open: that’s claustrophobic and you might start to find yourself being very aware of how warm it is and how little air there is.

My go-to example is that of trying to put a cat into a box to take it to the vet: like the cat, we have an in-built reaction to being trapped or enclosed that sets off all the alarm bells.

Sometimes it is less about being physically trapped, and more about feeling trapped in a situation that we can’t get out of. For example:

• Being in a job that we hate, but there don’t seem to be any other options out there for us and we have financial commitments that mean that that leaving just isn’t an option.

• Having a lot of stuff that needs to get done but not having enough time to do it in.

• Needing to make a decision that you know will upset or disappoint someone but hating the idea of doing that.

In all these examples, if we can’t see a way out that looks viable, and all of them feel intolerable, then we are trapped, and we might get that similar panicky feeling. We start feeling a bit tight in the chest maybe.

When we feel trapped, sometimes it really is just absolutely unavoidable and there is nothing that we can do. In those times (like being stuck in a lift) it is about trying to breathe, take it slow, tell yourself that this will pass in time, don’t lose hope, and try to look after yourself and pass the time in a way that makes it feel bearable.

But sometimes we have a bit more wiggle room than that. Sometimes the solid walls we feel trapped against aren’t completely solid after all, and there are doors available to us, even if they aren’t doors we particularly want to walk through. Sometimes we do have a choice, even if none of the choices are wonderful.

For me this comes up pretty much weekly, having a moment where I am getting a little panicky because I have too much to do and not enough time (even more likely at this time of year when illnesses or lovely things like Christmas shows start to put the pinch on my time), but actually more often than not, when I notice that I am panicking and take a moment to slow down, I see that it is OK to leave some of the stuff until tomorrow. It isn’t ideal, it isn’t what I wanted and it has a knock-on effect elsewhere, but it’s OK.

Equally, with letting people down: sometimes we feel panicky when we want to keep everyone happy but we can’t, or we can but only at the expense of our own sanity. In an ideal world we could just make everyone happy and have loads of time for ourselves too, but alas, that’s just not always going to be the case. However, there is still a choice. It is still an option to let someone down. It might not be the option we want to take, but it is an option nonetheless.

When you find yourself feeling hemmed in, panicky or trapped, ask yourself: is this something I am really going to have to ride out? Or is there a door here that I’m just not looking at?

---

Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. I use that analogy all the time but I don’t think I have ever actually taken a cat to the vet. I think it might be all those years of reading “Mog and the V.E.T.” to the kids.