Things I want my kids to know

We all have rules.

We have to have rules in order to function properly, really. For example, as my kids grow up, it is useful for them to be able to learn about how the world works and how to navigate it.

It’s helpful to know that walking in the middle of the road is dangerous and you should stay away. Being careful when you climb up a tall climbing frame is important because if you fall you can really hurt yourself. If we don’t learn things like this, we can very easily get into trouble. Our ability to learn from the world around us is part of how we keep ourselves safe. If we follow the rules, our minds can relax. If we try to step outside of the rules (e.g. walk into the middle of the road) our minds are likely to set off some of the anxiety response in order to warn us off, so that we keep in line. Think about it: if you tried to walk in the middle of the road, even if there were no cars immediately around, it would feel weird, right?

Rules are not inherently bad, they are just things we have learned. However, rules can start to become problematic when they are overly rigid or narrow. For example: “You must be extremely careful whenever you are climbing anything or something terrible will happen” might mean that we end up avoiding taking risks at all, or might mean that we end up being so focused upon the possibility of danger that we find it very hard to enjoy things.

We also pick up rules about how to navigate social situations and our standing in a group. We learn that if we wear our pants on our head to school that people laugh. We learn that people don’t like it if you push them over. Again, these rules aren’t inherently good or bad, they are just ways of understanding and navigating the world and they can be useful.

When it comes to things like people-pleasing and perfectionism, we might pick these expectations up from the people around us. What do people seem to appreciate or value in our behaviour? What do I have to do in order to earn praise or appreciation? What do people dislike in my behaviour? What do the people around me do and how do they behave?

If I use myself as an example, I understand some of my people-pleasing or the nerves I might feel about saying no or letting people down as a combination of things. One of these things is that I was a kind and gentle little boy and I was praised a lot for that. Is that a bad thing? Absolutely not. Do we want our kids to show kindness to others and to know that this is a positive behaviour? Yes we do. You can’t avoid developing rules, we all have them. The key in making them work for you is not about erasing them, it is about trying to make them more flexible.

When it comes to changing a rule like this, often one of the barriers is that you don’t want to become someone different. My people-pleasing or rejection-avoidant rules can get in my way, but I do also genuinely believe that it is a good thing to be nice to people and to try to get along. I don’t want to become someone I’m not. Similarly with perfectionism: you might be able to see that it gets in your way sometimes but when you think about changing it you might feel uncomfortable because you really do believe that some things need to be done correctly and that having high standards is a good thing.

So, rather than thinking about getting rid of or replacing your rules with something else, a helpful way of thinking about is looking for more flexibility.

“You must never let anybody down at all” is really restrictive. It means that no matter the circumstances, I always have to ensure that nobody else is upset or inconvenienced in any way. How will that play out if someone wants something from me but I don’t want to give it?

“It’s lovely to be someone who wants to keep people happy, but it’s OK to include yourself in that even if that means that sometimes other people are disappointed” is much more flexible. There is nuance to it. It is a rule with exceptions and space. That’s easier to navigate.

“You must always do everything you do to the very best of your ability” is not flexible at all. It sounds stressful and like a lot of pressure, and it might mean that it is hard to enjoy things. Going for a walk with friends and speed-walking your way around it, for example.

“It’s good to try your best at things that you want to succeed in, but sometimes it’s OK to do things just for the fun of it” is more flexible. It keeps the importance of trying hard, but leaves some space.

So, finding something that feels more flexible is step number one. Step number two is the harder part: practicing doing things that fit with this more flexible approach. This is the bit that stops us, most of the time, because your mind will resist and you will feel uncomfortable, like if you try to walk in the middle of the road.

However, if you can practice doing small things that make you uncomfortable (saying no, speaking up, doing small things imperfectly or leaving things unfinished or wonky) and you do it often enough (like every day, or at least 3 times a week) then eventually, with a lot of repetition, it will start to feel less uncomfortable. You will be able to tolerate saying no to some things and some people. You will be able to tolerate leaving some things unfinished. Without feeling skin-crawlingly uncomfortable.

That’s how you do it. Not one massive change in personality, just lots of little steps that buy you more flexibility.

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Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. This is something I cover in my “CBT Tools for Coaches” programme which is running again in November. Helpful for coaches or other helping professionals. Check it out on the CPD page of this website.