We’ve recently had our 10th wedding anniversary. Not only that, but this year will also mark 20 years since my wife first agreed to be my girlfriend. So, unsurprisingly, relationships are on my mind.
I often say that I am very grateful for the work that I do, because it has been so personally helpful, but it has also made me a better parent and (significantly for today) a better partner. So, I want to talk about one thing that I have learned that I feel has made a big difference:
I am not always right.
It might seem like an obvious one, but it wasn’t for me and it isn’t for lots of people. I can genuinely be a bit of a pompous arse sometimes. I really can. I know that in my videos and my writing I can show the best of myself and demonstrate the compassion and understanding that I am capable of, but am I like that all the time? No. I can be a bit of a know-it-all, or assume that my way of seeing things is obviously the correct or even only way of looking at things.
That means that in the worst case, I can be really unhelpful. If my wife tells me something she is worried about, I can respond by telling her all the things that are “obvious” to me about why she shouldn’t be worried. If we disagree on something, I might just keep repeating my point of view and push hers away completely. If she asks me to do something and I don’t see the point, I might just bat it away.
The thing that my job taught me is that nobody sees the world as it is. We all see the world through a filter of our own experiences and expectations. So what seems like statement of fact to me, might not make any sense at all to someone else with a different lens and different experiences.
As an example, someone who is afraid of dogs because they were bitten by a dog before, might say “Be careful, that dog could be dangerous” to someone who has only ever had excellent, loving experiences with dogs. That person might respond “Don’t be silly, there’s nothing dangerous here.” Is either person likely to be convinced by the other?
In relationships, this plays out all the time, and often when we are butting heads about something, it is because we are stuck in the position of being right and stating things as if they are facts. For example:
Stating facts: “The house needs tidying.” Vs “No it doesn’t, it’s already tidy enough.”
Stating your view: “I would feel better if the house was tidier. It really helps me feel more relaxed” Vs “I am OK with the house as it is, the clutter doesn’t affect me that way.”
When you always think you are “right” it is hard to move anywhere, because you aren’t trying to understand the other person’s point of view. You are just trying to state yours again.
When you can start to understand that you and your partner have different perspectives on things, you can start to phrase your statements as yours. They are your view, they are your feelings, they aren’t fact. I’m not telling you you are wrong, I am telling you that I see it differently. That can then allow both of you actually take a step towards the other: to take some time to try to understand what is going on and what they are trying to express. “This is how I see it, I really want to understand how you see it, too.” You still might not agree with one another, but you have a much better chance of understanding, and being respectful.
The wonder of another person
If you can accept that you might not be “right” or that your view is not the only possible view, it starts to open up the possibility of really understanding how your partner’s mind works. This is useful in so many ways. For a start, it is really interesting. Beyond that, however, it can also help you both feel more understood. You might still have different views on how important certain things are, but if you can understand a little more about where one another are coming from, you can perhaps see requests in a different way.
If you are OK with not being right all the time, you can also be OK with not agreeing all the time. It can allow you to make space for one another to see things differently. If you have different feelings and views on how tidy “tidy” means but you can both express that and be understanding of the other person’s perspective, you might even find that you feel closer together, rather than further apart. I can take a step towards you, and you can take a step towards me.
I don’t get it right all the time, but for me this is a big one, and makes me confident about the next ten years.
Thanks for reading. Until next week,
Ted
P.S. Here's to a bit less pomposity, and a bit more curiosity.
Comentários