Things I want my kids to know

A lot of my work, whether it is 1:1 or webinars, is with people who feel pretty frazzled. A lot of the time, that frazzled-ness (frazzilitude?) comes from working very hard but never really feeling like what they are doing is enough.

There are lots of reasons this might be the case, but one theme that comes up a lot is “I don’t feel like I am living up to my potential.”

For me, this is a good example of an expectation that can cause people to feel endlessly stuck, working towards something they never really feel they can reach, or working towards something because they feel that they should, even though it isn’t actually something they particularly want. When I come across this, I like to ask:

What feels important about living up to your potential?

What is reaching your potential supposed to do for you? What is achieving impressive things supposed to do for you? I’m not trying to be facetious or judgemental here, I am genuinely asking: what are the consequences supposed to be?

Sometimes, the answer is something like: well, if you achieve things, then you can feel good about yourself. But what if you could feel good about yourself without having to achieve anything particularly great? Do people only deserve to feel good about themselves if they have achieved impressive things? What about people who are kind, but live a life where they don’t make loads of money or win any medals, do they deserve to feel good about themselves?

Sometimes the pressure to reach your potential is more about a sense that if you have been given gifts and opportunities, you should make the most of them. You might feel guilty about the chances or abilities that you have that others don’t. It might be about being made to feel that other people worked hard to give you those opportunities so to not take full advantage of them would be ungrateful. It might be a sense that it would be “ridiculous” or “silly” not to go as far as you can possibly go.

It might also be that you just don’t really know why living up to your potential is good, it just feels like an inherent expectation. Maybe an assumption that working as hard as you can is just something everyone should do. Maybe a belief somewhere that resting on your laurels or enjoying things is something that has to be earned, or even that it is lazy to not push yourself as hard as you can.

For me, this is another example of a rule or expectation that starts out with something useful at the heart of it, but becomes problematic if it is too harsh or too rigid. If you have to use your potential, here is how that might go wrong:

Achievement and pride

“Potential” is such a big concept that it is very hard to define. How are you supposed to know if you have reached your potential? How is potential assessed? If you are only allowed to feel OK about yourself when you have reached your potential, are you supposed to be miserable until you make it? How does that motivate you? If you never know that you have made it, does that mean you never really get to feel good at all?

Now, when you push yourself and achieve something, that can be a wonderful feeling. I wouldn’t want my kids to miss out on that, and I think that is often what we are aiming for when it comes to these messages about using your potential, but the thing we might be missing here is this:

• It feels better if it is something that you actually want.

• No matter what you achieve, you are only going to feel good about it if you are allowed to pat yourself on the back as you go.

One of the key ways out of relentless striving is learning to recognise and celebrate your achievements and your qualities, even if there’s more you could do.

Choice

One of the most detrimental things for mental health is when we feel trapped.

When you feel that you have to use your potential, it might lead you to make decisions that are based more on “shoulds” and “musts” than anything else. Pursuing a career that you don’t like because it is prestigious. Working all hours because you don’t feel you have done enough yet. Finding the concept of rest or change intolerable because it would feel like failing.

Flexibility

For me, a huge part of mental health is feeling that we have choice and autonomy, and being able to be at ease with ourselves. For my kids, I hope that they can have a flexible approach to this. Something like:

If you have abilities and opportunities that other people don’t have, then be grateful for that, but it doesn’t mean you have to use them if you don’t want to. Be kind, work at the things that are important to you, and give yourself credit where credit is due.

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Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. Another barrier I have seen people face is a fear that if they let themselves give themselves credit, then they will lose their motivation. But relentless striving without a sense of pride or peace is pretty grim stuff. You can still have motivation while giving yourself a pat on the back. In fact, it can be even more motivating.