Things I want my kids to know

“You shouldn’t care what other people think” isn’t a fair expectation. For me, a more helpful way of putting it is:

It’s completely normal and reasonable to be bothered by what other people think of you. You just can’t let it dictate how you live your life.

Why we care about what people think

We are social mammals, and being a part of a group is a big part of how we survive. A chimpanzee alone is not as safe as a chimpanzee in a group. To a human mind, rejection and ridicule is not only uncomfortable, it is a threat. We have an in-built need to seek belonging, to seek safety in a group.

A human mind is always on the lookout for how people are responding to us or how they might think about us, even when we don’t see it. A mind that does that is not doing something wrong. It’s doing what it is supposed to do. It’s supposed to be picking up on group expectations, learning what allows us to be accepted, and what seems to put us at risk of humiliation, embarrassment or rejection, because to a human mind, those things represent the danger of being kicked out of the group.

In short: caring about what other people think, or feeling anxious about doing something that might provoke ridicule or criticism, is a fundamentally human thing, and it’s automatic.

Caring what other people think isn’t unreasonable, it is an essential part of survival.

I think when someone states that they don’t care what other people think, what they really mean is:

I’ve learned to not fixate upon what other people think, or let it dictate what I choose to do, and the more I have practiced that, the easier it has become.

Now that I can get on board with.

In fact, I would say that is how I feel these days about putting myself out there on social media (or even here, in written form). I still feel anxious about it sometimes, and I still feel really uncomfortable with the idea of anyone being mean or critical, but nowadays it doesn’t stop me from doing what I want to do. Sometimes it does make me overthink it or spend longer on it than I might, but I still get to do it.

There was a time when that fear did dictate my choices. I started writing a blog like this over ten years ago, but then someone left comments on my posts telling me that I was boring, and I didn’t write again for over a year.

If there’s something that you want to do but you feel limited by the fear of what people might think, whether it’s a professional move, the clothes you wear, or anything else at all, it is OK to feel nervous about what people will think. That doesn’t make you weak, and it doesn’t mean you can’t do it. You might just need to practice not fixating on it so much, and how to practice putting yourself out there in a way that gradually makes it easier.

How to not fixate on what other people think

Minds tend to hone in on the negative, and they do this because they are on the lookout for danger. So, if you go outside in clothes that are outside of your usual comfort zone, or you tell a group of people about your plans that you worry they might think are silly, your mind is immediately going to be on the lookout for people who don’t like it. It will spot the person who looks at you a little longer, the curl of a lip or a little smile that might be a smirk. It will zero in on what people say and pick holes in it, looking for the possibility that they might be judging you.

If you create something and put it out there in the public domain (social media, for example) your mind will naturally pick out and zone in on all the people who didn’t “like” it or any negativity.

All of that happens automatically. It’s going to do that whether you want it to or not. However, knowing this, you can practice purposefully honing in on other things too. Practice focusing on the people who know, like and accept you, and what they say or do. Take time to really sit with compliments you get. Go out of your way to notice the people who do smile or appreciate what you do. Spend less time scanning other people’s negative reactions and focus your attention more on what you are doing with your day and why you are choosing to do these things.

When there is criticism, having this balance and the ability to see praise and acceptance too means that the criticism has a better chance of being balanced out. It doesn’t become the only thing you can see.

It takes practice, but it helps.

How to make it feel easier

This is all about practice and repetition.

That part of your mind that is scared of criticism and rejection will set off the alarm bells every time you step out of your safe little zone. However, once you have done that a lot of times, it starts to recognise that perhaps the alarm bells don’t need to be set off every time or that perhaps the alarm doesn’t need to be so loud. There’s no way around this one: you just have to do it a lot.

---

P.S. One thing that still makes me a little uncomfortable is actually promoting what I do. I know I do all this content stuff but that isn’t how I actually make a living. I make my living with 1:1 therapy sessions and these days with webinars, training and talks for organisations on anxiety and good mental health in the workplace. The thing that stops me talking about this is not wanting to be judged as being "selfish" or "corporate." So, here’s me taking my own advice: just talking about what I do, because it makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t want it to.