Things I want my kids to know

Most of the people who come to me come because they want to make changes. Changes in how they react to things, how they feel, or in how they communicate or deal with people.

Making these kinds of changes requires a lot of effort and energy. Taking time to understand your reactions, understanding what thoughts and feelings drive your behaviour, and looking at the impact your behaviour has. It requires questioning things and holding in your mind the idea that you might not have the only way of seeing things, that maybe there are other perspectives which might help you.

It is often helpful to look at where those thoughts and reactions come from, because that can help you question it again: where did I learn this way of thinking, and what do I think of it now? It requires questioning your behaviour and whether it is really helping you. It requires a willingness to learn, to try new ways of approaching things even though they might feel uncomfortable.

In short: making change can be hard work, and it can take a long time.

I also work with people whose main problem is actually someone else. Someone in their life who displays a lot of problematic behaviour and has done for years, and they have been waiting for this person to change, trying all sorts to make it happen.

This is always a really awful situation to be in, because usually the reason this problematic person is still in your life is because they are someone who is supposed to love you. It might be a partner who keeps cheating or putting you down, it might be a parent who never really shows you the consistent care that they should have, or a sibling who causes chaos whenever they are around. Maybe they are still in your life and you put up with their behaviour because you love them. Maybe you stay in this relationship because you feel obligated, or because you would feel too guilty or ashamed if you didn’t.

Another complicating factor is that you might also keep giving this person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you know that their upbringing was hard, or that they have mental health wrestles of their own. Whatever it is, you might feel that there is a chance that if they can just get the right support or input, then maybe one day they will change. They might even sometimes show you some change or “good behaviour” for short spells, which again gives you hope, but then things slip back and they are mistreating you again.

The tragic reality is: some people are never going to change their behaviour for good. Either because they aren’t capable of it, or because they simply don’t want to.

When you are holding on to a relationship in the hope that it might change one day, that hope can keep you there for a long time. It is a very different proposition to face the idea that this person is just going to be like this forever, no matter what you do. Asking yourself whether you are willing to hang about for the possibility that things could be better is very different to asking yourself whether you are willing to hang about if it is always going to be like this.

So, in my view, it is useful to have some ideas about what it takes to actually make change, so you can see if any of this is actually present. Then at least you know what you are working with.

Taking responsibility for their actions

This is number one. We are all capable of speaking more sharply than we should have. We all find it harder to be kind when we are run down or tired. We are all capable of saying things we didn’t really mean or being thoughtless. However, it is always the case that no matter the extenuating circumstances, we are responsible for our actions. We can acknowledge the reasons, but still own that we shouldn’t have done what we did. The two things can sit together.

Someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their actions will instead push the responsibility away by:

• Blaming someone or something else

• Going on the attack themselves and making the discussion about something else, (usually something that you did)

• Distracting by bringing up something completely tangential, historical or different

It won’t be “I am sorry I did what I did, I shouldn’t have done that.” It will be “I only did what I did because you did that other thing” or “It’s not my fault, it’s because of X.” It will be less about owning what they did, and more about pushing the spotlight elsewhere. Sometimes it’s like trying to catch a fish with your hands: you might think you have them, but they somehow manage to wriggle out or slip away.

You cannot make changes in your own behaviour if you aren’t willing to accept that your behaviour is yours to own. If you consistently believe that your behaviour is not the issue, then why would you change anything?

Making consistent, concerted effort, not just saying the right things or showing promise

Most people can make changes in anything for a short period of time. We can be on “good behaviour” for a while, no problem. However, real and lasting change means keeping that up over a long period of time, not just a few weeks. Sometimes, people who have no intention of changing will show you that good behaviour for a while. Maybe even better than good. Perhaps they will bring you gifts or surprise you. But, after a few weeks and after the dust has settled, it starts creeping in again. Sometimes they will tell you they will change and make promises about therapy and maybe for a while they will even go. The thing is: going to therapy doesn’t guarantee they will actually make any changes.

Learning to communicate differently or manage your emotions differently isn’t something that happens overnight. Real, lasting change requires a commitment. It takes time, it takes practice.

It isn’t an exact science, any of this stuff. However, if you are stuck in a relationship dynamic where you keep hoping for change, but you aren’t seeing it, it is worth really considering the idea that this person may well never change, no matter what they say.

Then it’s about how you protect yourself, and maybe how you get out.

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Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. If any of this resonates, you might get something out of my video series on emotional abuse, which you can find under “playlists” on my Youtube channel (@cbtted).