Things I want my kids to know

This is something I get asked quite frequently, particularly by parents in relation to their children, but it comes up in relation to friendships, partnerships and marriages too.

It’s difficult when you can see that someone you care about is suffering, but they just don’t seem to be willing or able to talk about it. It’s hard enough sitting with the knowledge that they are suffering, but sometimes there is also further fears: what if it gets worse? What if it already is worse in their minds but I don’t know the full picture?

Sometimes that is where our urge to get in there and understand it comes from: the fear that there is something else. Sometimes it is more about just wanting to help, but feeling frustrated because it feels like in order to help, we need to know what is going on.

First thing first here: I am a therapist, and the last 15 years of my life has been about working with people to understand what is going on for them. I have lots of ways of approach this.

However: the people I love the most in the world (my kids, for example) still won’t always want to talk to me, and I can’t always get them to.

Before we talk about how we deal with this, I first want to take a step back and ask the question: what is the point of getting someone to talk about how they feel?

I think we can often have a default assumption that talking about how you feel is useful, but that isn’t always true. Have you had the experience of talking about something that you are frustrated, angry or upset about and actually come away from the conversation just feeling like you have gone around in circles and become even more agitated? Talking in itself doesn’t necessarily magically make things better.

However, there will have been times when you spoke about something and you did end up feeling better in some way. What was the difference? I would argue that talking about how you feel generally helps when:

• It helps you to understand something about the way you feel, which changes how you look at it or want to deal with it

• You have your feelings validated

• You find some possible solutions or ways out

• You feel cared for, or that you are not on your own

For me, the useful thing about this is that as a person wanting to help, you can give someone some of this without them having to say a single word. For example:

• You can acknowledge that they seem upset about something, ask them if they want to talk, accept and respect their “no.”

• You can make them feel validated in the fact they don’t want to talk by saying that you understand that, and that you don’t always want to talk about things either.

• You can tell them explicitly that you are always there and that they are never on their own.

• You can sit with them in silence or while the two of you do something together, physically showing them that they are not alone.

• You can talk to them about the things that you struggle with sometimes. They might not talk about their stuff still, but they might feel less alone and they might even get something out of thinking about someone else’s problems that helps them with theirs.

Now, that’s not to say it isn’t also worth trying to encourage talking where you can. For me, some useful practical tips here centre around creating an environment where talking is easiest, rather than trying to find the right question:

Create or make use of pockets of time when there is space to talk if they want to. It’s easiest when you don’t actually have to look one another in the eye, and when nobody else is going to listen in. That might be on a walk, in the car, or at bedtime. Create the space by holding your questions back. Hold back the barrage of questions that are on the tip of your tongue and just leave some space. See if they want to fill it. Try to be OK with the fact that they won’t always want to. You can ask if they want to talk about how they are feeling and if they say no, you can say “That’s OK. You know I am always here whenever you do want to.”

You can’t always make someone open up, but that doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. It might be that they just don’t want to. Take your time. Be patient. Be clear that you are there if and when they do, and make the space for them to use if they want to.

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P.S. This question also comes up a lot in a webinar I have run for schools and businesses on “How to help an anxious child” and I tend to like this phrase when it comes to anxiety: you can make someone feel less alone by just sitting with them or holding their hand. It doesn’t always have to involve words.