I sincerely hope that the Christmas period is a peaceful time for you, but there are loads of reasons why it might not be as simple as that.
When you are in a place where you are “supposed” to be having a nice time, but you are carrying feelings that are difficult, it can sometimes make you feel like you aren’t doing it right. That you should be able to put aside those feelings and “get in the spirit of things.” It might be loss or grief. It might be anxiety, it might be work stress or uncertainty about the security of your finances or your relationship. It might be that the run up to a day of merriment has been really stressful and actually it seems to be catching up to you when you are trying to relax or be in the room.
Whatever it is, that isn’t you being a weirdo, a party-pooper or a misery-guts. It’s just being a human being.
Grief doesn’t put itself on pause just because there’s turkey on the table. OCD doesn’t take a day off when the fairy lights come out. Unwrapping presents might be a pleasant distraction, but if there are big things on your mind, it isn’t a failure on your part if you find it hard to set them aside.
In fact, there are many reasons why parties, gatherings, celebrations and other occasions where you “should” be having a nice time actually make you more likely to feel the difficult things to.
Reminders
A functional mind is constantly making connections between what is happening now, and what has happened before. So, you can’t have a celebration without being reminded of celebrations that have gone before. That means memories, constant reminders of who was here last time and who isn’t now. You might desperately want your mind to stay in the present and focus upon what is happening now, but minds just don’t work that way.
Projections
Functional minds also project forwards, because that is something we need in order to be able to foresee possible problems or danger (irritating though that can be, sometimes). That means if there are worries about finances or relationships, your mind might be pinging off into the future, worrying about what next year (or the next few months) will be like. That’s not you being strange, it’s what minds are supposed to do.
Pressure to be jolly
The more pressure there is to not feel something, the more likely you are to feel it. If you are in a sombre, silent place and you think “I hope I don’t sneeze” or “I hope I don’t laugh.” You might find your nose itches or you feel your chest rising with a chuckle. The more pressure there is to be happy or “on form” the more you end up thinking about your feelings, and the more they come to the forefront. Again, that isn’t you doing something wrong, it’s just a natural process.
Guilt or feeling like a fraud
With grief, if you do end up having a moment of laughter or enjoyment, or you notice that for a while you haven’t been thinking about the person you have lost, sometimes that can then bring a wave of guilt. How could I sit here having a nice time when I have lost someone so important to me?
When you have been struggling in any way at all – particularly if you have had time off work or something like that – you might also find that when you feel OK, it makes you feel like a fraud: how could I claim to be unwell if here I am, having a nice time?
Both of these are unfair, of course they are, but they are also natural.
Something to think about
The thing I would like to offer you is this: if your emotions don’t turn off when the twinkly lights come on, that’s not you being a weirdo. That’s you being a human being.
Something to do
The more you can give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel and judge yourself a bit less for it (no matter how confusing, muddled, irritating or frustrating it might be), the less you have to wrestle. Rather than fighting the tide, you might instead allow yourself to float, and ride it out instead.
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. Whatever the holiday period looks like for you, I wish you as much peace as it is possible to find.
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