Last week I was handed a mushroom-flavoured drink.
I was having some celebratory drinks, and myself and another chap asked the bartender for an old fashioned. He was very friendly and he recommended their signature twist on this classic. I looked at the description, saw that it had some interesting sounding ingredients (including mushroom, about which I was slightly sceptical but also intrigued). I like trying new things, so we both said yes.
It wasn’t for me, and it wasn’t for my colleague either.
It was clear that we were both considering resigning ourselves to drinking the whole thing. Eventually, after a little wrangling, I said this magical phrase:
“Shall I ask if we can swap it?”
I went to find the chap who made it for us, and I asked him. With no hesitation at all, he said “Yes, of course! No problem at all.”
And so there we were, sipping a drink that we actually liked and would actually enjoy.
The thing that struck me about this was that a few years ago, I would have sat there and drank the whole thing, out of sheer politeness and awkwardness. I would have probably tried to convince myself that I liked it. This time, it occurred to me to ask, and the main thing is this:
I didn’t feel particularly nervous doing so.
This made me think about how this has shifted, and what has brought this about. Not only being able to do something different, but actually feeling OK about it.
I know that for lots of people, how anxious they feel is how they measure how well they are doing with their anxiety, but that isn’t fair. if you are doing things that are outside of your comfort zone, you might be doing exactly the right thing for your anxiety, but it is likely to make you feel more anxious, not less. Getting to a point that you actually feel less anxiety overall is the very last stage, and can take a long time.
This led me to today: explaining the stages of change, and how you when you break it down like this you can more easily see the gradual progress you might be making.
Stage 1: No idea
I used to know that I felt uncomfortable about making a complaint or speaking up about things that were bothering me, but I didn’t know why and certainly didn’t know what to do about it.
Stage 2: I can see what is happening, but I don’t know what to do about it
Through my therapy training, I learned to spot the things I got anxious about, and to ask a little about why that might be or where that might come from. It is helpful, but in a way this stage can also be really frustrating because you can see what is happening, but you can’t flipping stop it yet.
Stage 3: I can see what is happening, I know what I could do, but I can’t do it yet
I knew that I could work on this particular thing I got anxious about if I wanted to, and that it would require speaking up instead of keeping quiet, but I still didn’t really feel OK with any of that. I had it in my head for a long time that in order to be assertive you need to be mean and aggressive, but that isn’t true. I learned that I could be assertive and still be fundamentally myself. Understanding that was a big step and helped me find words that actually worked for me.
Stage 4: I know what is happening, I know what I could do about it, but usually only afterwards
I got to a point where I could spot where I was anxious, see where I could say something different, but only once the moment had gone. I would walk away thinking “Ah, I see what I could have done there.” Again, this can be a frustrating stage, but it is still progress from where I was before.
Stage 5: I know what is happening, I can see it, I can do something, but it’s really uncomfortable at the moment
The day came where I was actually able to catch myself in the moment and actually saying something. Initially this was with small things, like saying what I wanted instead of “I don’t mind” but it then built up to things like actually challenging someone if I didn’t like the way they were speaking to me (I remember putting the phone down after one such conversation and being simultaneously so pleased with myself and also feeling sick and having sweated through two layers).
This stage is all about practice, practice, practice. It is also a lot about discomfort.
Stage 6: I don’t have to think about it so much any more and I’m not as bothered
This stage takes the longest to get to. The way I would explain this is that if your brain has learned that something is scary, it is going to take a lot of convincing that it’s not as scary as it seems. Every time you practice stepping outside of your comfort zone, that’s one more piece of evidence in the bank: “See? We didn’t get eaten.” But usually, it remains uncomfortable for quite some time, until the day comes where you realise that you just did the thing that used to feel so uncomfortable, and you did it with ease.
I hope it is helpful to see that it doesn’t happen all at once.
Something to think about
If there are things you struggle with anxiety-wise, what stage would you say you are at?
Something to do
If there is something you want to become more comfortable with, see if you can set yourself an aim that is appropriate to the stage you are at. In the early stages it is spending time understanding how you feel and why you feel that way. In the later stages it might be more about looking at how to do things or approach things differently. Whatever it is for you, what could you do this week that would represent a small step forward?
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. This principle does appear in my free guide to understanding and managing anxiety. If you haven't read it yet, you can find it on my website! Link below.
Comments