We tend to find it hard to offer ourselves the same compassion as we offer to other people. For other people, we might offer warmth and kindness, but for ourselves it might just be frustration and irritation.
Imagery can be a really useful way of pinching a bit of what we save for other people, and using it for ourselves.
Here’s what comes up for me, as an example. When I get anxious about things, part of me is anxious, another part is trying to be “logical and reasonable” but really I just end up getting frustrated with myself. There is a whole other part of me that I don't use for myself: the compassionate part I would use for other people. It's missing.
The way to start this process is by asking asking ourselves: “These different parts of me, if they had a shape or a character, what would they be?” Here is what comes up for me when I do this:
Anxious Ted
The bit of me that gets anxious about things is “anxious ted.” He’s me in my teenage years with long hair and baggy jeans and he looks scared of everything.
Professor Ted
There is also part of me that then gets a bit annoyed that I’m anxious and tries to tell me to “calm down.” That part is professor ted. He wears glasses, wears roll-neck jumpers, smokes a pipe (which blows bubbles) and reads big books. He gets really frustrated that anxious ted isn’t being “logical” and it comes across as harsh and critical.
The compassionate part: Dad Ted
The question to ask to tap into the compassion we have for other people is: “The part of me that I use for other people that I care about (my kids or my clients for example), what shape or character would that have?”
For me, that’s Dad Ted (not father Ted).
He just looks like me on a weekend. Jeans and a tshirt. And when Anxious Ted is kicking off I ask myself: “What would Dad Ted do here?” He wouldn’t necessarily say anything. He would come in, stand with him, and put an arm around him. If he did say something it would be with warmth and kindness, not frustration or anger. When I think about that, I can physically feel that warmth in my chest.
Something to think about
Imagery can be a bit more impactful than words. With images we get stronger feelings, we get the facial expression. That makes it a little bit easier to really feel the difference between how we speak to ourselves versus how we speak to others. However, if you struggle to find an image, focus on the sound instead. What tone of voice do the different parts of you use?
Something to do
Once you have given it a go and found something, when you get anxious, frustrated or down about something, practice asking yourself: what are the different parts of me saying and doing? What would my compassionate part say or do at this point?
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. This is one of the techniques I cover on my "CBT Tools for Coaches" course. You can find more information about that on the CPD page of this website.
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