When there is someone in your life who pushes your boundaries, is never satisfied with what you are doing for them or giving them, or just makes you feel on edge or negative about yourself, it can be really difficult to know what to say or to do.
In this situation, one thing that sometimes keeps us stuck is that we are looking for things to say or do that will stop this person acting this way.
How can I say no and explain it in a way that means they will understand and be OK with me?
How can I challenge what they are saying in a way that won’t set them off?
The reason we get stuck with this that these are things that are just not in our control.
Reasonable people will usually treat us in a reasonable way. If I say no, they will accept my no. They will trust I have good reason and won’t need an explanation, however they will believe my explanation if I choose to give one.
Unreasonable people won’t care what your reasons are, they will be annoyed, they will be upset. Either they won’t believe your reasons or they will disagree with them and tell you why they aren’t valid.
Reasonable people might be upset if they are called out on something they are doing. They might be defensive initially, but they will ultimately want to listen and consider it. They might need to take some time to think about it and even if they ultimately don’t agree or think it is completely fair, they will generally acknowledge the impact they have had, even if they didn’t intend it. They might even just say “Oh wow, I didn’t realise I was affecting you in that way. I am sorry.”
Unreasonable people will not. There will be no self-reflection whatsoever. They will tell you that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. They might belittle or berate you, or freeze you out. Without the self-reflection, the willingness to question themselves at all, there is no chance of anything changing.
There are so many reasons somebody might show up in an unreasonable way. We are all capable of being like that sometimes, but most of us aren’t like that all the time. Maybe they are having a hard time. Maybe it’s a defence thing and really there are sensitivities and self-esteem issues at the heart of it. Maybe it’s just them and they aren’t very nice.
The thing is, when it comes to trying to address the things that bother you about how they treat you, the why doesn’t really matter. Just because someone has reasons for the way they are treating you, that doesn’t mean they get a free pass for any of the behaviour they show you.
You have a right to feel safe and to be treated with care and respect. No matter what.
If you want to tackle some difficult behaviour in your life, a good thing to bear in mind is: the success isn’t in successfully changing this person or making them hear you. The success is in communicating what is bothering you and holding your boundaries. If you can walk away from a situation saying “Well, they didn’t take that well at all, but I said it, I said it in a way I was OK with, and I didn’t cave.” Then that is success.
How do we go about doing that?
When we are in a situation with an unreasonable person, it sometimes leads us to either take a completely passive role (I will just say yes, agree or not say anything, just to keep the peace) or if I do say something, I will feel I have to justify everything I say. If I am saying no to something, I will feel I have to explain all the reasons why.
Unfortunately, when we communicate in what we believe are details and facts, somehow the unreasonable person finds a way to argue with them:
“I can’t, I have plans with X that evening.” - “Well can’t you do that another time?”
“That’s a very rude thing to say” - “Oh don’t be silly, can’t you take a joke?”
In adult-to-adult relationships, there is space for difference of opinion. I can talk to someone about things, understanding that there isn’t necessarily one right or wrong. That is where we make the first change here:
Rather than going in with facts and details, the first thing to practice is sticking to headlines, feelings, and opinions. Here is the formula:
1. “I appreciate / I understand…”
2. Headlines / thoughts / feelings / opinions
3. A request (if needed)
4. Repeat 1-3 if challenged
“I appreciate that you need some help here, but I can’t that evening because I have plans.” “I understand it is frustrating but no, I can’t move my plans and I would appreciate it if you could trust me on that.”
“I understand you think that is a joke, but I am telling you that I don’t find it funny and it bothers me. I would appreciate it if you could respect that.”
Taking it away from what is right or wrong and just sticking to the fact that this is opinions or feelings makes it so much harder for them to argue with you. Don’t get me wrong, a very unreasonable person will do their best, but it makes it easier to stick to your guns if you don’t get sucked into a game of who can argue the best.
Something to think about
The headline here is that when it comes to dealing with difficult people, changing them is not the aim. You are not in charge of that, only they are. The thing that is in your control is whether you end up saying yes to things you want to say no to, or accepting behaviour you think is disrespectful.
Something to do
This formula works well, but is a very challenging and nerve-wracking thing to do. If you want to give it a go, practice with people you feel really comfortable around. Try out the formula when it comes to asking for things or for voicing an opinion. Start tiny and build your way up.
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. Another example: I appreciate you have a busy life, so it has meant a lot to me when you have reached out to say you got something from an email, or shared my posts or blogs with other people. If you do get a chance to do so again, I would really value that. (I can't figure out how to do an emoji here that suggests tongue-in-cheek so you will just have to use your imagination)
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