When we think we should be doing better with something (be it exercise, screen time, study, diet or anything else) a common pitfall is that we might try to solve the problem in two unhelpful ways: berating ourselves, and setting unrealistic expectations.
The berating doesn’t work very well as motivation. It might seem like it does at first - because you get this little surge of determination while you are muttering at yourself through gritted teeth - but it tends not to last very long. Also, one reason someone might struggle to get themselves to exercise, to eat better or to leave their phone alone, is if they are knackered or stressed.
Guess what doesn’t help with being knackered and stressed? Having a Gordon Ramsey-type voice screeching at you in your head.
So berating doesn’t work so well, but what about setting really high expectations? Aiming to not have a single biscuit for the rest of the week. Telling yourself that your phone is completely off limits, or that you must go from hitting the gym zero times a week straight to three times a week, no excuses. They might not seem unrealistic to you at the time and perhaps that is part of the problem and the extra frustration. “It’s easy!” you might say. “Why can’t you just flipping do it? Everyone else seems to be able to!”
When you have high expectations and no excuses, actually what that can mean is that when you eventually fail to meet these expectations, it can feel like you have completely failed, like nothing you have done so far counts for anything. That can send you into thinking:
“Well, I’ve messed up now, it’s all ruined.” And possibly “I may as well not bother with any of it.”
That means that one biscuit brings the whole thing toppling down. One missed gym session means there’s no point going for the rest of the month. Caught yourself scrolling for a few minutes? May as well give up on the whole endeavour.
It might feel like being hard on yourself is the only way to get yourself to make progress, but actually, sometimes it is the very thing that is stopping you.
Something to think about
If you recognise this pattern at all, the alternative way of thinking about this is that setting reasonable expectations that you might actually be able to sustain gives you a greater chance of success. Plus, if you can be less bothered by the inevitable “failure” you are more likely to be able to get back on the horse reasonably quickly.
Something to do
Still want to set high expectations? By all means, go for it, but practice building in some flexibility so if you shoot for the stars and fall a little short, it isn’t so devastating:
I will aim for three gym sessions a week, but I will settle for one gym session and a walk.
I will aim to be on my phone less this week. Ideally I wouldn’t be on it at all, but half an hour less over the week is still a step forward I can build on.
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. An imagery way of putting this would be to make your expectations out of rubber rather than glass. Glass might be harder and doesn't bend, but it is brittle so when it does bend, it will shatter. Rubber will bend more easily, sure, but it won't break when it does.
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