When there are things we are anxious about, we can be tempted to hide them from other people, to keep them to ourselves. Sometimes we do this for our own sake, because we don’t want others to judge us or perhaps because we don’t think anybody else will be able to help. Sometimes we do it for their sake: we don’t want to worry them.
Either way, we end up making the decision to keep it in the dark.
For us
People can’t always help us with the things we are anxious about. Some people are judgemental. Some people are incredibly well-meaning but just don’t know what to do to help, or say things that make it worse or wind us up. Sometimes that means we can feel we don’t have a choice but to keep it to ourselves.
Unfortunately, that usually means that it doesn’t go anywhere. It is happy in the dark, staying exactly where it is.
When we do get it out into the light, with the right people, it can be easier to hold and easier to manage. If we can say to someone “I am scared” and show them our worries, most of the time they can’t take it away, they can’t convince us that everything is going to be OK, but they can come and stand with us for a moment, can offer us some comfort, can show us that we are not alone. It might still be uncomfortable and a bit scary to hold, but it might look a little less overwhelming when it is out in the light.
For them
When there is something going on and we don’t want to make the people we love - children, friends, family members - worried, it can lead to a real conundrum. Do we tell them that something is going on, knowing they might worry about it? Or do we try and pretend that everything is OK and hope they don’t notice?
There isn’t a hard right or wrong, here. However, when we try to keep it to ourselves, sometimes our loved ones can pick up that something is wrong, but they are left with uncertainty about what it is. Also, when we are in the habit of not saying anything until after things are resolved, it can leave our loved ones with a different fear: how can I be sure that things are OK, because last time you didn’t tell me until much later?
Sometimes, it is more useful to get it out on the table. To say what is going on. It gives us the chance to not have to pretend all the time, and it gives them the opportunity to help or support us if they want to, or maybe to ask questions if they need to.
Anxiety thrives in the dark. Whatever you can do to shine a little light on it will help.
Something to think about
Sharing your worries doesn’t have to resolve in any kind of resolution. Sometimes the point is just to have shared it.
Something to do
If you find yourself keeping things to yourself but you don’t think you want to share absolutely everything, a good place to start is just saying a little bit of it, and stopping there.
“Yeah, you know what, I am a little bit anxious today. I am OK and I don’t need anything in particular, but it is there.”
Again, they might not be able to fix it, but the fact that they know it is there might help you feel a little less alone, and it gives them the opportunity to be useful if they want to.
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. If I am honest, this one is something I am not always great at myself. In particular, I end up talking myself out of saying anything because it seems self-indulgent or I don't want to bring the mood down. I'll be practicing this one this week!
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