Things I want my kids to know

I’m feeling a bit calmer, you know.

You would hope for that from a therapist wouldn’t you, I suppose. However, before Christmas I had got myself into a position where I was feeling a bit stressed and finding it hard to break out of it, but now on my return after a good long break, I am feeling more at ease and more in charge of myself.

Hmm.

The stress I was feeling was partly normal stuff about being self-employed, and partly a social media thing (I have found it harder on social media in the last year or two), which meant I had ended up going on my phone checking my social media accounts A LOT (partly checking, partly distraction). Then, once I was there, I would inevitably see things that would make me feel enraged and despairing at the state of the world, things that I would then take with me into my day but wouldn’t go anywhere. Then I would get a bit snappy with the kids and end up feeling frustrated with myself.

Then came the break.

I did, to give myself credit, set out intentionally to make some changes. I spoke to my kids about the fact that I wasn’t being fair with them and that I would do better, and I did (one of them even told me so at one point, so I will take that as a win) and I made a concerted effort to leave my phone elsewhere.

However, I had already been trying those things and they hadn’t been working, so I don’t think it was those intentions alone. I think it was the very fact of having a break.

I didn’t need to go on my phone for anything work-related, so it was easier to stay away from it. We were out of our routine, so the days were about playing games and chilling out. There was a permission there. And a big one for me: we were out of the house more.

I have long known about myself that I am a more present dad outside of the house than I am inside the house. I would love it if I could achieve the same level of being present when we are just knocking about at home as I do when we are at the park or at the big soft play near us where you can shoot foam balls at people (superb), but I do find it harder and I probably always will.

I’d been trying to break out of this particular cycle for ages, but it was hard to do that while I was still immersed in it. Having a physical and mental break with some decent time away made it easier to just not do the things I was doing that were keeping it going (the checking) and to engage with other, more helpful behaviour (chilling out, chatting, eating, playing games).

So, as I have returned to work, it is now easier to keep that going. To not pick up my phone so much. To feel a little distance and perspective. Maybe that won’t last forever, but it’s good to feel it now.

The way we think and act isn’t only an internal thing and change doesn’t often happen through willpower alone. Sometimes the biggest thing we can do to help ourselves is to change our environment or to take ourselves away for a while, if we can.

But sometimes we don’t allow that.

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Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. While one of my kids did tell me I was doing better, one of my other kids did say to me at one point “Erm, I thought you were supposed to be trying to not get so cross?” so you know, swings and roundabouts.