Sometimes we don’t end up talking to people about how we feel or what is going on for us because we just don’t see the point.
“What will talking about it achieve? Nobody is going to be able to solve this for me or take it away. I will just be burdening them with my stuff.”
It can even be about not wanting to bring anybody else down. We could be sat with our best friends, feeling awful, knowing that we are dealing with really difficult things, but ending up keeping it all to ourselves because there just didn’t seem like a good moment and because we didn’t want to spoil the mood.
It makes sense, because it can be really awkward or uncomfortable to actually say out loud that we are struggling, that we need some help, or even to cry or show emotion in front of other people. As much as we all want this to be OK and believe that it should be, many of us would still feel embarrassed or maybe even ashamed.
The end result of this is that we can end up going weeks without actually telling anyone what is going on, to the point that it then becomes an even bigger thing to raise. We can end up feeling really isolated, even when there are people sat right next to us.
Like being adrift at sea, right next to a life raft, but one I can’t bring myself to grab or one I am not sure would actually help me.
It also means we can end up feeling really out of options. We don’t know how to carry the things we are carrying, but we don’t know how to do anything about it either.
Talking isn’t pointless.
It is fair to say that just saying things out loud does not solve them or make them go away. So in that way, you could say it is pointless. Talking in and of itself doesn’t change things.
However.
People might not be able to help us if we do tell them what is happening, but we know for sure they won’t have any chance of helping at all if we don’t say something. Saying out loud that you are having a tough time is a little opening. It is you putting your hand out for help. It gives you a chance of someone taking it. Even if they can’t help you sort it out, it might help you feel less alone.
You don’t even have to explain everything, if you don’t want to. Sometimes “I don’t even know where to start” or “I can’t explain it all” can be big barriers to getting started. You don’t have to say it all in one go or even reveal much at all. Just something like:
“I am struggling right now if I am honest. I am not sure there is anything anyone can do, but I feel like I should tell someone because I don’t really know what to do.”
When it comes to worrying about burdening people, ask yourself whether you would want your friends to tell you if they were struggling with the same sort of thing. We want our loved ones to tell us what is going on and frankly, we are often really glad to be able to help if we can.
You can also be very specific about what you need or what you don’t. People are often really grateful to have some guidance.
“I am really having a rough time at the moment. I don’t really know if I can talk about it all but I would really appreciate having more time around people at the mo, can we meet up a bit more this week?”
Telling someone how you are doing can feel like a huge step, but it is worth it.
Something to think about
It might be yourself that you think about when you read this, or might be someone you know, someone who tense to keep things to themselves. If you are wondering how to reach someone like that, sometimes understanding what might be stopping them can help you address some of that with them. "I know I might not be able to help you fix it all, but I am here, whenever you need."
Something to do
If you know you tend to keep things to yourself for a long time and you think it could be helpful to work on, you don't have to start with massive things. You can start by being 10% more honest when people ask how you are doing, rather than saying "Fine!" it could be:
"To be honest, something like 6/10."
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. It's World Suicide Prevention Day on 10 September. That is part of the reason behind choosing this particular topic. I hope there is something useful in this for you. If there has been, feel free to share it however you wish.
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