Things I want my kids to know

The issue I get asked about the most by parents is separation anxiety.

What we usually mean by this is that the child feels anxious when they are being separated from their parents, and that this can happen in lots of different scenarios. Being dropped off at school, going to sleepovers, parents going out to work or a way for a night, and probably most common: being on their own in their room at night time.

If I can get technical for a moment, the reason the phrase “separation anxiety” can be a bit confusing is that it is a term used in attachment theory (the study of child development) as the name of the phase where very small children (toddlers and infants) become anxious or upset when they are separated from their parents or realise that a parent has left. This is a part of absolutely normal and healthy child development and is seen as a sign that they have a greater awareness of what is going around them, and a close bond with a parent.

That, however, is not usually what the parents who come to me are talking about. They are talking about kids who are out of the toddler phase and with whom the anxiety triggered by separation seems really intense or disproportionate.

When we view the issue as “separation anxiety” then often we might assume that the treatment process is simply about exposure: just help them practice being separated and they it will gradually get easier and easier. For some, this will be a fair assumption, however for some kids it might just miss the mark, particularly when the anxiety isn’t really about the separation, but what the separation represents. Some examples:

Losing someone

A child who is anxious about the possibility of bad things happening to their parent(s) will feel more anxious when they are not in sight. It might be a fear of a parent getting ill or dying, or coming to harm in an accident or at work. This is particularly common for children who have had experiences with serious illness, loss, or those children whose parents had to go out during the covid lockdowns, and had a long period of not knowing whether their parent was safe. When the parent is there and they can see they are OK, the anxiety is quieter. Not wonder it is harder when it is time to say goodbye.

These fears are big, and they are completely understandable. Often, when my wife is out driving one or more of our kids, I have thoughts pop into my head about what it would be like if they were in an accident. It is a horrible thought but a completely normal one to have. In order to help with this one, it is not just about practicing being separated, it is about having some validation and normalising of these fears, and some honest conversations about how we all live with those and how we might deal with them.

Not being able to cope

Parents are often a child’s most secure place. We are the ones they come to when they are anxious or upset about something, and even if we don’t always feel like we know how to help, we are still their best option. So, if a child is having a particularly anxious phase with absolutely anything at all (worry about school, exam nerves, social anxiety, OCD, panic, whatever it might be) and they don’t believe that they can deal with that anxiety on their own, then the moment they are left without us there is a fear that if they get anxious, they won’t be able to calm down without us. It is anxiety about anxiety, if you like.

In this case, what we need is to help the child to gradually feel more secure that they can handle the anxiety. Either by dealing with the underlying issues so it isn’t as intense as it was, teaching them some ways of settling themselves, and understanding that anxiety will pass if we let it.

Fear of the situation itself

If a child is anxious about being dropped off at school, and they have had some really horrible experiences there such as bullying or not feeling like they fit in, then of course they get anxious about going. This isn’t about the separation: it is about a completely reasonable urge to want to avoid a horrible situation. Or, maybe it’s not as clear-cut as that, but perhaps a general shyness and lack of confidence.

In this case, if we can help to make school a better place to be (find a place, deal with the bullying, feel more confident, whatever it might be) then it is this that will help the anxiety to gradually improve.

It’s not just separation

Really, the thing I want to get at here is that it is always worth starting with understanding what the anxiety is really about. If we can do that, then we are much more likely to be able to find things that really, genuinely help.

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Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. For me it was the shyness thing. I didn’t really feel like I fitted in so I was often anxious about going to school, clubs or parties. It went on for a long time, and another thing I think it is helpful for parents to know is that this is about the long game. Confidence doesn’t improve overnight, it is incremental. Eventually I felt more secure that I had a place, and things got easier.

P.P.S. I’ve got some 1:1 spaces opening up in November and December. You can read more on the “1:1” section of my website.