Things I want my kids to know

“If I gave you a day to yourself, with nothing that needed doing and nobody that needed tending to, what would you do with it?”

This is a question I sometimes ask in therapy when I am working with someone who is feeling frazzled and carrying a lot, particularly when we have identified that some of what is going on is an overwhelming sense of responsibility for everyone else, and a truckload of guilt about letting other people down.

Some people do have an answer. They will let out a big sigh and say they would read a book, take a bath, go meet a friend for coffee, any of that good stuff.

Some people actually don’t have an answer. Or they do, but the answer is that they would spend the day trying to do jobs to get ahead of tomorrow.

This is much more common than you might think, and it is a bit of a hidden barrier to actually taking care of yourself. I think most of us can get our heads around the idea that sometimes it is hard to prioritise self-care when you feel responsible for others, so it might be useful to work on treating yourself as if you are worth taking care of too, but what if part of the problem is that even if you did have time, you wouldn’t know what to do with it?

That means that it’s very hard to take care of yourself, because you just don’t know where to start.

When you have spent years (or maybe even your whole life) considering other people’s needs ahead of your own, you can end up in a place where, when someone asks you what you want, you can’t answer because it’s just not been part of the equation up until this point. Or perhaps after years of caring for someone else (kids, parents, whoever it may be) you haven’t had the headspace to think about yourself and perhaps what you want or need now is different to what you wanted or needed twenty years ago.

There are couple of other barriers, too. It might be that you have some ideas about what you like but feel that they are selfish or indulgent. It might be that you end up thinking more about what you “should” like or find relaxing and you keep trying those, even though actually you just don’t like them (gym and spa days are some big culprits here).

When this happens, part of the process of moving towards better self-care is spending time getting to know yourself and what you like. Trying things out and experimenting. Trying not to let the “rules” about what you should like take over, and instead giving yourself permission to pay attention to your reactions to things.

We might start with things you used to like as a kid, or things you wanted to try but never got the chance to. We might look at things that are in your life already but you haven’t done for ages because you don’t get the time.

We might have to take of the constraints of “should.” Relaxation doesn’t have to mean sitting in a robe sipping on something dark green. We are looking for things that help you feel rested, replenished or recharged. Sometimes that is something physically exhausting but mentally relaxing. It might be that you get more out of more physical things like walking, gardening, or DIY projects than you do out of sitting still. It might be that there are things you like that you feel ashamed or embarrassed about, particularly if you think people will laugh. Things like dancing, singing, or even things that you worry other people will think are “nerdy.”

If you find yourself feeling frazzled or you find it hard to take care of yourself, then maybe this is a good thing to consider. Just spending time trying out a few different things, and paying attention to how you feel before, during and after. It’s not about learning what works for everyone. It’s about learning what works for you.

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Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. If you are out of practice of paying attention to yourself and how you feel (which is often part of the problem), start with paying attention to your body. What happens in your body when you do this thing? How tense or relaxed are your shoulders? How full does your head feel? Is there warmth anywhere? A knot anywhere? Does any of that increase or decrease when you do this stuff?