Things I want my kids to know

My youngest kids really don’t like having suncream on. I will be honest with you: neither do I.

I really dislike the feeling of having it on my skin. Before you come at me with suggestions about the best ones that don’t feel greasy: I have tried them all. I just don’t like it. I love the smell, but I hate the feeling. This happens with other stuff too, like I am pretty fussy with clothes because if I am a bit uncomfortable, like if something is a little too tight, too itchy or too stiff, it is like I can feel it at all times and it’s irritating. So I get where my kids are coming from.

However: my kids can bear it and so can I (it isn’t as intense as the sensory sensitivity as some people will get, I want to make that clear), so we will wear the suncream, whether we like it or not.

Wearing the suncream has a few different outcomes. The first is that we are protecting ourselves against other kinds of discomfort. My kids haven’t experienced sunburn yet and I haven’t for a long time, but my memory of it is that it is really uncomfortable. So: exchanging one type of discomfort in order to avoid another.

Another outcome is that we get to do things that we want to do. We get to go and play on the park, on the beach, in the paddling pool, or just to sit out in the sunshine and have a nice time: going through some discomfort in order to get at something we really want.

Putting on the suncream is about accepting some discomfort in order to do something that will have a positive impact in the longer term.

This is a big thing in managing our mental health, too.

Sometimes I think that advice around mental health makes the mistake of focusing upon on managing mood, rather than managing mental health, which are not quite the same thing. If mood is how you feel moment-to-moment, focusing on mood might mean avoiding discomfort. It might mean doing things that give you the quickest route to peace at this particular moment in time. That might be good for you right there and then, but it might mean making choices that are not so great for you in the longer-term.

For example, if you are someone who finds conflict uncomfortable and there are people in your life who make unreasonable demands or who are never satisfied, you might end up appeasing them, going along with what they want or changing yourself or your plans in order to keep the peace. It might make the discomfort go away in that moment, but it is likely to have longer-term consequences on your mental health, such as gradually being drained, feeling on edge, not being able to have your needs met, or just continuing to have someone in your life who treats you badly.

If you are someone who finds imperfection difficult to tolerate, you might find yourself making choices that make you feel calmer in the moment. You might end up working on something or cleaning something late into the night, because leaving it unfinished would make you uncomfortable. You might want to try something new or creative, but the idea of not being able to do it well feels uncomfortable, so you avoid it instead. Again, in those moments it makes sense that you would choose something that makes you feel more comfortable, but in the long-term it might mean that you feel exhausted, or that you don’t get as much fun, spontaneity or enjoyment as you would like.

Sometimes, the thing that is good for our overall mental health is something that makes us very uncomfortable in the short-term. Saying no to people. Tolerating someone being annoyed with us. Dealing with things being left unfinished. Feeling incompetent at doing something new.

Sometimes making good choices for your overall mental health means making choices that make you feel worse in the moment. That’s why it’s not always that easy. Sometimes you have to wear the suncream.

---

Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. Most things do get easier, too. Either because they get easier to tolerate and they don’t bother you so much any more, or because through practice, you know in your bones that you can cope with the discomfort, which makes it easier to handle.