If you feel uncomfortable when people give you compliments, it is likely that part of this is that you just don’t believe that you deserve them.
When we are hard on ourselves and have a belief or a fear that we aren’t really good enough, it is difficult to take compliments on board. On the other hand, mistakes, errors, or perceived criticism gets us right in the gut.
One way of explaining this is that brains are always actively on the lookout for danger. Like when you have watched a scary film and when you try to go to bed, your mind picks up on all the small noises that the house makes which you just didn’t notice before. The same thing happens with a fear of not being good enough: your brain will be looking for signs that this might be true.
So, when you come across a mistake, a flaw or a perceived criticism, it will stand out to you like it’s lit up like a neon sign. Your brain will grab hold of it and take it to heart.
However, when you come across something you have done well, or someone tells you they like how you look or what you have done, it slides past. Your brain wants to push it away, because it isn’t relevant or it isn’t scary.
So maybe you explain it away in your head as something that isn’t real. Maybe you tell yourself that they are just being nice, that they are just trying to build up your confidence, or that they don’t really mean it.
Then you bat it away for real. We do this in a few ways:
Putting ourselves down: ignoring the compliment and pointing them back towards our flaws:
“Oh, thanks, but there are loads of things I got wrong…”
“Oh, no, I look awful, I have these massive bags under my eyes…”
“I don’t think I put in enough salt. No, it definitely needed more salt.”
Reattributing: giving the credit to something or someone else instead
“Oh, well, it was mostly luck…”
“It must be this lighting, it’s very flattering. Trust me, you should see me at home!”
“Oh well, my colleagues did most of the work really…”
Shrinking: making it smaller
“Oh, well, it wasn’t that difficult in the end, anybody could do it.”
“It’s not as complicated as it looks, I’m sure anybody else could have done a better job.”
The thing is, as long as this cycle persists - noticing mistakes and criticism, but batting away achievements and praise – we never get a chance to update our beliefs or fears. Here we are, wandering around with a sense of ourselves as not good enough, unable to take on board evidence that perhaps, actually, we are.
That is why it is worth trying to take compliments on board.
Something to think about
Where in your life do you find it uncomfortable to take compliments on board, or to actively recognise and celebrate your achievements?
When you give compliments to other people, do you generally mean them? How do you feel about the idea that they might get batted away and not get heard?
Something to do
The habit of batting compliments away can be so automatic that you might not even notice yourself doing it. That is the first thing to practice: noticing when someone is trying to pay you a compliment. The second thing is harder. Looking them in the eye, pausing, and saying:
“Thank you.”
No belittling, no batting it away, just saying thank you. People usually give compliments because they mean them. It’s not always that comfortable to say something sincere and meaningful to someone, so part of what we are doing here is trying to actually acknowledge that you appreciate it. However, it also gives those compliments a better chance of actually getting through. You might not believe the compliments immediately, but if you can get in the habit of letting them get through, you might find it starts to give you a more balanced view of yourself.
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. It's holding the eye contact that can be the squirmiest bit! If you find it too hard, start by just saying "thank you" and not batting it away, and work your way up to the eye contact.
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