There are loads of reasons that you might find it hard to relax, but it often comes down to constantly feeling like you should be doing something else:
It could be a never-ending list of tasks. Particularly if the list is never finished and never could be (like most job roles, or having a family or other people that depend upon you – there is rarely a time where absolutely everything has been done and taken care of).
This might be magnified even further if:
You feel responsible for other people, or you have expectations about needing to be productive or needing to achieve. You might have an expectation that you can only rest once everything is done.
These things might mean that having that list that isn’t finished is intolerable. Even if you do get some spare time, it is hard for your mind to switch off or to let yourself do something purely for you, because part of you thinks “But you can’t do that yet, you haven’t finished your list.”
It might go further than that. It might be about not feeling deserving of rest, or that putting resting or spending time on yourself is selfish or lazy.
It can be confusing, because you might know that you are tired (or even exhausted) and in need of a break, but when you try, you just feel antsy and uncomfortable, so you either end up going back to your list and being productive, or you pick up your phone or find another way to distract yourself, even if it ends up not being particularly restful.
This can add to a cycle of exhaustion, because not only am I being drained, but I can’t quite get that energy back.
How to relax
The first thing is to move away from the idea of relaxing meaning sitting or lying down (maybe in a robe with cucumber slices on your eyes) sitting with your own thoughts in perfect peace.
If you don’t have buzzing thoughts, then maybe chilling out by sitting in silence in the company of your own thoughts is helpful.
However , when you have the buzz, it can be very hard to wrestle your mind back into the present by willpower alone. You might sit there, trying to stop thinking about stuff, or to concentrate on what’s going on in front of you, but then it can be really frustrating when your mind keeps wandering off to all the jobs you have to do or things you have forgotten, or just that general sense of unease and tension. “Why can’t I just flipping chill out and enjoy this??”
Yes, it might be worth working on the things that make you buzz in the first place (the expectations etc) but in the here and now, let’s start with talking about defining relaxation differently.
Redefining relaxing
It can be helpful to think of the point of “relaxing.” Here are some ideas:
Allowing your body to unclench for a while
Having a sense of peace, rest, or being at ease
Getting a bit of energy back
Lying still in complete silence is not the only way to do those things. You can find that your muscles have unclenched when you have done some physical activity or some stretching. You can get a sense of peace or a quieter mind when you are doing something active (think cooking, gardening, playing sport). You can get energy back without having to lie completely still. Sometimes seeing friends and laughing gives you energy. It can be physically draining but mentally relaxing.
It doesn’t have to be silent, peaceful and still. It can be active, it can be noisy.
In fact, if you are really having a very buzzy sort of day, it is unfair to expect yourself to be able to wrestle your mind away from those thoughts. It can be like an excitable dog who wants to go sniff things. You can try your best to work on it, but you probably can’t stop it.
It can be more helpful to give yourself a chance of being more in the present. When you can use your senses (touching things, movement, smells, heat, cold, sounds, tastes, smells) it is that little bit easier to remain in the present. Use that. Do things that involve your senses. Walking, touching things, putting your bare feet on the grass or on cold tiles. Having some music on, listening to birds.
It's not about drowning out your thoughts, it’s about acknowledging that they are going to wander and it will be that little easier to be engaged and in the room if you give yourself a chance by using your senses.
Something to think about
The best things are sensory but don’t completely block out any chance for your thoughts to wander. For example, music without words allows your mind to still wander about, whereas a very involved podcast sort of drowns out any chance of mind wandering, but your mind still tries and you can end up with a headache.
Something to do
Try out some of the temperature ones here, they can be real winners. Splashing your face with cold water, getting a hot drink or a freezing cold one. Stepping outside and feeling the sun warm on your face and the cool grass on your feet.
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. Seriously, try the grass thing.
Comments