I often define my job as helping people to take their own advice.
That’s not just in terms of practical advice about what to do, but also in terms of treating themselves the same way they would treat other people (rather than treating themselves harshly).
We typically find this hard. I made myself a cup of coffee earlier today and as I was walking out of the kitchen I immediately stumbled and spilled it all over the hallway floor.
You should have heard the expletives coming out of my mouth. Unbelievable. However, if anybody else made the same mistake there is no way I would steam in with all that aggression. I would be calm, I would be kind.
We are often harder on ourselves than we are on others. When other people are anxious, we can be soothing, we can be helpful and supportive. When we are anxious ourselves, we might find that a bit harder to do.
Sometimes it is difficult to even tell if we are being hard on ourselves, because while it is happening it doesn’t feel like a thought process, it feels like the truth. If we don’t even know whether or not we are being hard on ourselves, how are we ever supposed to stop it?
How
The first place to start is to practice recongising what you are saying to yourself. Try to notice when you are anxious/sad/angry/having a go at yourself, and ask: What am I saying to myself here? What is going through my mind?
Then you can ask yourself “Hold on, would I be saying the same stuff if it were someone else?”
This can be a very good place to start, because if the answer is no, or what you would say to someone else is different to what you would say to yourself, that is your starting point. Even recognising that you are being harsh.
We can then build on this: “If it were someone else in this situation, thinking these things, someone I loved and cared for, what would I be saying to them?”
And importantly:
“What tone of voice would I use?”
Something to think about
This can also be really useful when it comes to decisions you are wrestling with. For example, if you know you tend to worry a lot about what being judged or upsetting people and you find yourself overthinking what to say or do, you can ask “If someone else was worrying about this, what would I say to them?” You might find you have some good advice in there, somewhere.
Something to do
A challenging part of this process is actually taking your own advice. If, for example, your advice to someone else would be “It’s OK to say no to this, just text them and say no.” That doesn’t mean you will immediately find that comfortable or easy to do. It’s OK to take it easy and to take your time.
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. The tone of voice part is important
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