There are some things that we tend to reach for when we think about looking after our mental health. Exercising, eating well, getting outside, taking a break, doing things we enjoy.
However, it is perfectly possible to do all these things and not only find that you don’t feel much better, but even find that they are part of the problem.
Old expectations
If part of the reason you sometimes struggle with how you feel is that you have high expectations of yourself, you always feel you aren’t doing enough, or you always feel like you have to achieve something, you might find that this same thought process comes with you when you are trying to do something that is supposed to be good for you.
This happens a lot with exercise. You could go for a run, you could go for a bike ride or a hike. You could play football or tennis. You could go to the gym. All of these things have the potential to be great, and they have the potential to be miserable. It isn’t only about the activity, it is about how we approach it. It is very easy to lose sight of why we are trying to do these things: they are supposed to make us feel better.
Running around a very efficient but boring route, feeling distracted and frustrated because you have set a time expectation and you can’t stand not meeting it.
Eating “better” but what this has ended up being is setting some very strict expectations of essentially only eating steamed vegetables and fish. Feeling irritated, frustrated and annoyed if you step outside of the “rules.” Not eating things that are meaningful or enjoyable, just things that are on the “good” list.
Telling yourself that you should read more because it is something you like to do, but starting with books that you “should” read and persevering because they are “supposed” to be important or good, even though you are finding it tough going.
Trying to do things that are “supposed” to make us feel better and finding that they don’t make any difference or even make us feel more stressed than before can be really disheartening, so it can be worth thinking about how to make them work better for you. The main thing is this:
Don’t just make them about doing things “right” or “well.” Make them about meaning, fun, connection, warmth, relaxation or rest.
New expectations
If you are going to exercise, it might seem obvious but: try to do something you actually quite like in some way. Maybe you go for a walk in some woodland rather than running round your block. Maybe you do the same run but you don’t time it and you practice feeling your feet on the pavement and hearing the sound of life around you. Maybe you run like you did when you were a child – with your arms out wide like you are an aeroplane. Maybe you go and play a sport you are rubbish at, practicing taking pleasure in moving and enjoying it rather than performing at your best. Maybe you let go of the expectation that it must be painful and grim to count as exercise and you just let yourself do some stretching and a casual bike ride with a friend.
With eating: maybe you think about eating things that make you feel warm or properly nourished. Maybe you could seek out things that have meaning for you (for me that’s spaghetti bolognaise – my Grandma used to make a banging one and it is the first thing my Mum taught me how to cook). Maybe you purposefully allow yourself something that you would usually avoid because of cost or it being on your “naughty” list. A flipping massive hot chocolate with marshmallows – that kind of thing.
With leisure activities like reading: maybe you could let yourself read things that are frivolous but fun. For me that’s detective stuff, but it could be anything. Practice paying attention to how you feel when you are reading and letting yourself stop reading something if it just isn’t giving you peace or enjoyment.
Something to think about
When we are trying to do things to make ourselves feel better, thinking about warmth, connection, meaning, fun, relaxation and rest is more useful than thinking about achievement alone.
Something to do
If you were going to approach something differently this week to get a little bit more of those things in your life, what would it be?
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. This one is one I am working on this week, too. I've noticed myself getting a bit fixated on getting things "right" with one of my leisure activities, rather than just doing it for what it is for: enjoyment. I'll give this a crack.
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